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My love for broadway will always overshadow any love I might ever develop for you, pet. 

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As featured in US magazine’s “Who wore it better?” section…

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From all the other environmental clues in this photo, we can deduce that the realistic success rate of the proposed equation for the subject is actually 0%
You really only have to look at the woman in the background. 

From all the other environmental clues in this photo, we can deduce that the realistic success rate of the proposed equation for the subject is actually 0%

You really only have to look at the woman in the background. 

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Translation:

Listen all you frivolous, idiot losers over 30, you do not have a chance with an attractive, nice man. I am the best you’re even gonna see, and I won’t even date you, because I, like the rest of us awesome men, think you are a haggard, delusional troll.
Also booo to jews. 

Translation:

Listen all you frivolous, idiot losers over 30, you do not have a chance with an attractive, nice man. I am the best you’re even gonna see, and I won’t even date you, because I, like the rest of us awesome men, think you are a haggard, delusional troll.

Also booo to jews. 

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Fluffy’s greatest and most secret shame was that he couldn’t swim, despite his years of sailing the wide blue ocean. 

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Cat from space, eh?
Are you on a mission to boldly go where no cat [er, some cats] has gone before? 

Cat from space, eh?

Are you on a mission to boldly go where no cat [er, some cats] has gone before? 

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Is he making that poor dead cephalopod into a damn puppet? What is with the strings? WHY?!
Tinderella needs ANSWERS, you squid fetishist weirdo!

Is he making that poor dead cephalopod into a damn puppet? What is with the strings? WHY?!

Tinderella needs ANSWERS, you squid fetishist weirdo!

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Recreational Cheetah-petter, when I’m not competing at LIFE. 
[Someone didn’t see how Steve Irwin kicked it…. whoopsie]

Recreational Cheetah-petter, when I’m not competing at LIFE. 

[Someone didn’t see how Steve Irwin kicked it…. whoopsie]

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I feel you, Georgie. I feel you. 

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TIFU by going on an OKCupid date. Ended up in Jail. (self.tifu)

Short story first, meta story later:

I have been “dating” again, and like many 20-somethings in Brooklyn, I have been doing with the aid of the internet. After browsing the dating pool on the popular dating site “OKCupid” I found myself texting this girl a couple times. I suggest we meet in prospect park and walk around.

For those of you who have never been, Prospect Park is a bit bigger than your standard “park.” Designed Fredrick Law Olmstead in 1850something, this thing is almost 600 acres with tons of small paths and arches and small corners. When she suggested we bring a couple canned beers along for the walk, I was into it. I figure, keep them in bags, spend some time on the lass traveled bits and have a nice date walking and talking and sipping.

Around 2 hours into our date, we find a nice little bench by the water to hang out. After about 20 minutes of chilling a GIANT police cruiser pulls up. Anyone who is relatively irresponsible in New York knows what happens next: they take your ID, run it to look for warrants, and after they determine you are not wanted for anything more serious, they write you a $25 ticket and leave you alone.
We sit on the bench for what seems like a while, patiently waiting for them to do their thing, making short jokes about our records and how this is going to make a great story. I noticed there was an issue when I saw the first office get out of the car with only one license/ticket. The other guy got out and started unloading the stuff from his back seat to the trunk.

I vividly remember getting an open container offense a couple years ago (different park), but I only vaguely remember paying my $25. Turns out I didnt. 2 hours into a first date, I am in handcuffs, asking her to look after the other 2 beers I brought. There is a small crowd, and right before they cart me off I blurt our “soo„ I guess I will call you?” WINK.

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— As seen on Reddit