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When you thrive in a more prescriptivist world, a set of instructions like this is pretty handy. 

Highlight:

  • Don’t answer your cell phone while on the date

In fact, if it rings, make a point of turning it off in front of your date, showing that they’re more important than any call (You might even want to set this up to happen by having a friend call you at a pre-determined time).

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When in doubt, DOUCHENOZZLE is always a good fall back.

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High point: “You’re from Maine. You’re not good enough to reject me.” 

Hear that, Mainers? You can take your fresh lobster and just piss off, you peasants!

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To be clear, this is not a site for people who want to *date Ayn Rand* but a site for Ayn Rand fans to find, and date each other. 

Because… no one will ever understand you like someone that has also been ostracized for being a pretentious schmuck. 

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Quintessential Gambini

As if pulled directly from the Urban Dictionary definition profile of the “Tech-Douchebag”…

My Description:

I tinker. I like to make things work. I take them apart to see how it works and I like to make it better. I got burnt out on this at one point and retired. I then started my own Soap company. but now I’m back in IT. and I’m damn good at what I do.
What good is being successful without someone you can reliably hangout with or come home to?
I’m a nice guy, I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt. However I can also be quite a contradiction. I can be superficial. I’m not perfect, i’ll never claim to be, I’m merely great.
i’m just giving this sit a shot again after several years absence. …
I don’t like this description either, i’ll do it again some other time.

My Match Description:

Who am I looking for? If I knew that, I’d go get her. So lets eliminate some variables that you may be concerned about. She doesn’t have to be in IT or Tech, she doesn’t have to read sci-fi, into comics or video games, she doesn’t have to be a supermodel, she does not have to be a phenomenal cook or cleaner[I am perfectly capable of doing those things myself], she does not have to be perfect, she must only be perfectly Imperfect.
With that out of the way, here’s what I would look for:
All those things I said you don’t have to do? I do them. So you don’t have to be into it, but support the fact that I am into it. At least show interest in my interest, as I will be looking forward to doing that for things you love as well.
Honesty is huge. Loyalty, trust, also important. If we cant be honest, then we might as well not talk.
Must be hygienic. Doesn’t mean your home should be spic and span, but your person should be. 
You don’t have to wear dresses or makeup[warpaint], it’d be adorable and appreciated, but a woman who can roll around and play in a t-shirt and jeans is perfectly fine.
Have dreams. You MUST have dreams. You don’t need to be on the path to them just yet, but at least forming a plan to get there. 
A woman who is somewhat bookish, elegant, well groomed and playful would be ideal. You can curse like a sailor, that’s fine, so long as it’s not 24/7. You must be a female. I can embrace your inner tomboy, so long as you clean up well from time to time.

When your self description is 1/3 the length of your essay on your imaginary future mate, it might be time to reflect. Maybe?

A girl can dream. Oh, wait, sorry, I MUST DREAM.

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I would love to call HLN covering a parody CL ad the moment when CNN hit rock bottom, but they have done so, so, SO much worse… and it still beats coverage of celebri-babies.

Meanwhile, Fall Boyfriends? Genius. 

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Tinderfella = WINNER

Tinderfella = WINNER

(Source: rodddles)

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…or, the failed Steven King romance novel concept. 

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On the one hand, super glad you love your mother (probably?). 
On the other hand, should she be part of your dating profile photo repertoire?
[scratches head, wonders if the “cuddling to tv or a movie” has been part of their relationship more recently than might make sense…]

On the one hand, super glad you love your mother (probably?). 

On the other hand, should she be part of your dating profile photo repertoire?

[scratches head, wonders if the “cuddling to tv or a movie” has been part of their relationship more recently than might make sense…]

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Ronnie’s body posture here tells us a lot about this would-be date.

Ronnie’s body posture here tells us a lot about this would-be date.